My Eyes Are Dead

One of the worst things about depression is how it absorbs you. It sucks up everything and hides it where you can't find it or feel it. I really hate looking at baby pictures of my kids and watching old movies from before I was treated for my illness. My eyes are dead in the videos. This is what my kids experienced as "normal" for a good part of their early lives. I sang songs with them and talked to them with what I thought was enthusiasm and excitement but in the videos it comes across very different. There is a smile on my face but there is no feeling behind my eyes. This is the aspect of my experience with depression that pains me the most.

So many times when I should have been full of joy I felt nothing. So many times when I should have been full of sorrow I felt nothing. You might think not being able to feel sadness is a good thing but it is not. People that I loved died and I felt nothing. I remember sitting at a memorial and looking around thinking that I should be sad but all I wanted to do was go home and I hated myself for that. I hate that my kids think that "moms need a lot of sleep". Years ago I found a list that my son had made in his little journal. It had each family member listed and next to my name it said "sleepy".

I have been robbed by my illness and I am heartbroken tonight because of it.

You CAN Take It With You

I am going back to school...again. This time I am doing an online program through church that's called the Pathway Program. After I finish the Pathway Program I will be able to move on to get an online degree through BYU-Idaho. It is an amazing opportunity that couldn't have come at a better time and I am so excited for what this means for my future. The question will be, can I stay focused and do this? Right now I say, yes! I am excited and it is new so it's easy to stay focused. From experience I know that when things get boring and routine it becomes harder for me to stay on task. I feel (hope) this time will be different though. I am taking a religion class on the first half of the Book of Mormon and I have noticed a few different things. The first is how nice it has been to have the gospel of Jesus Christ integrated into my schooling this time around. It would have made a huge difference in my young adult years had I gone to one of the BYU's after high school. I never realized how natural it would feel to have the gospel at the center of my academic career. It feels as if I have found the missing piece. The second thing I have realized is that Nephi in the Book of Mormon made the choice to be positive and thankful in all he did. Growing up as a Mormon I just knew that Nephi was good and he made good choices. This past week it has occurred to me in a whole new way that Nephi's experiences weren't that different from his brother's, Laman and Lemuel. How he chose to handle these situations made all the difference. He chose to be thankful for his blessings and not focus on all that was going wrong. This is what I need to do to stay focused and on task through all of this schooling. I need to not get bogged down in the "work" and remember that I am gaining knowledge and that is so important because it's the only thing we can take with us when we leave this life.

By The Grace of God

(This is a post I found from about a year ago, I forgot about it so I'm posting it now.)

We've lived in New Hampshire for a little over a year now and let me just say, it's been a doozy. We have moved twice, sold our home in Mass., I sprained my ankle, one of our dogs was hit by a car and killed, my Grandmother passed away, my car literally started falling apart (why does rust make the things that are supposed to move get stuck while at the same time making things that are supposed to be solid, fall apart?), my oldest turned 12 and at the same time became impossible, my youngest started throwing fits like you read about (I occasionally wonder if she needs an exorcism), I started homeschooling all 4 of them, and I almost died from an undiagnosed ectopic pregnancy. Obviously some of these things are more traumatic than others but it was all hard. All along I kept waiting for it to be too much. When was I going to fall apart? Every time a new obstacle or challenge came along I waited. I was good for a long time, until I wasn't.
It took me a while to get past the pregnancy. I was reminded of what the bottom looks like and let me tell you, it's ugly. The longer I go feeling good the uglier it is at the bottom and I had been feeling good for a while. The good news is that I got out...again. I am going to be 37 in a few weeks. I think, maybe, I'm finally learning that I will always get back up. With my husband, kids, parents, sisters, brothers, and friends, by the grace of God, I will always get back up.