I'm Pretty Sure



Me 4 years old (on the left)

 

Lucy 4 years old

I'm pretty sure God gave me Lucy so I could see what I would have been like without depression.  I'm also pretty sure He gave me her last so I would have the time to really pay attention to her fiesty personality.  From the beginning she was physically my twin.  I can compare pictures of us at any age and we could be the same little girl.  She was the easiest baby ever and I said all along that she would get me back at some point.  I didn't realize I would be so right about that so soon.  She is opinionated and full of personality. 
Lucy didn't walk until she was about 20 months.  She had no need for such trivial things, she was too busy dancing.  Her favorite song was, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cindy Lauper.  From the first note of that song she would start raisin' the roof and bouncing on her bum.  I am not kidding, she had it in her from the beginning.  Her taste in music hasn't changed a whole lot in her four years.  She still loves Cindy Lauper but she has added to that Lady Gaga, P!nk, Kelly Clarkson and any music from Glee.  Depending on her mood she also enjoys almost any broadway song.  She loves all the same music I do.  (She does like to occasionally head-band too, after-all she was partially made by her father.)
I watch her and wonder if I would have been like her had I felt free to let my inside out.  Lucy holds the place in my heart that was probably supposed to be reserved for loving myself.  I see myself in her in so many ways.  As I watch her I grow I am keeping my fingers crossed that she won't loose her spunk as I did.

Chillin' in her car seat

Just a regular morning at home.

Soggy Steps

Yesterday was a good day.  It was cloudy and rainy so there was potential for feeling sleepy but I decided to power through.  It's not always possible but I was successful yesterday.  I woke up on my own at about 6:30am and couldn't go back to sleep.  This is really weird for me.  If I can't do anything else I can always sleep.  Yesterday morning I felt refreshed and awake though.  I was thinking about getting up and taking the dogs for a walk when I heard the rain start.  Well that settled that!  I can't walk in the rain....can I?  After I was done arguing with myself about it I had to get up and get the kids off to school.  I got them all to school with only one incident of someone getting kicked and a little yelling.  It was a good morning!  I came home after running to the pharmacy and the grocery store.  It was only 9:30am and I felt as if it should be at least 11am.  Not in a "I can't believe how slow this day is going" way but in a "Wow, I still have so much time" kind of way.  The dogs still needed to be walked.  I was already wet from running in and out of stores and I needed a shower anyway so I took them out in the rain.  We ended up walking for about 30 minutes.  They slowed down before I did, it was really strange.  I was really wet, a little cold, really happy and it was still only 10am.  I still had two hours before I had to get the little one from pre-school.  This happiness carried on throughout almost the whole day.  It was really, really wonderful!

You see, I have been told exercise helps depression but I was not sure.  Besides, how am I supposed to exercise when I can't even get dressed?  I am still not totally convinced but two things happened recently that have made me lean towards thinking that it really does help.  One, my Dr. took the time to explain to me why it helps and everything she said went along with what I am studying for school.  Two, was my experience yesterday.  The thing is, I need to remember that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I don't have to put on sneakers to go for a walk because honestly, (I am not making this up) finding socks and putting on sneakers is sometimes what keeps me from exercising.  I don't have to do it every day.  I may have a bad day and not be able to get moving but that doesn't mean I have failed. 

I have always been a perfectionist of sorts.  If I can't do something completely and perfectly then I don't do it at all.  This is why I didn't do well in school.  It's why my house is messy.  I know I can't do it perfectly and I don't want the humiliation of trying my best and still not being good enough.  I have to have a constant dialog in my head telling myself, "it doesn't have to be perfect" or I freeze.  I am working on this and walking in the rain yesterday was a soggy step in the right direction.

My cute dogs, my motivation.     

Valleys

I am putting the continuation of the last post on hold.  I can't have this blog feeling like homework.  I will continue, it's just not what I'm feeling right now.  I haven't written for so long because shortly after my last post summer vacation began which means I had no time for anything.  Then the kids went back to school and so did I.  My classes take up a good portion of my free time.  I've recently decided to make this somewhat of a priority though.  It feels good to write.

So my medication recently had to be changed.  After seven years of very little anxiety I fully flipped out at the end of the summer.  It seemingly came out of the blue but I have slowly begun to figure out why this happened.  For starters my Dr. put me on a stimulant last Spring to help with my exhaustion.  This was okay but I really hated the way it made me feel when it wore off.  I took it though because I was more productive and less tired and that was the whole reason for taking it.  I always get nervous for my kids to go back to school.  I like having them home in the summer and I don't like it when summer ends.  This year my baby started pre-school too which made it even more dreadful.  Lastly, I started school for the first time in over ten years which was very scary and stressful (also wonderful and exciting).  All these things combined to create the perfect storm. 

So now I am not taking the stimulant anymore and because my anxiety has bubbled up again my Dr. has added another anti-anxiety/anti-depressant.  I left my appointment the other day realizing that this is how it's going to be....My. Entire. Life.  I will never be able to say, "Wow, I beat this!"  It will be a never-ending journey with valleys, peaks and plateaus.  I guess life is that way for everyone.  I think people with depression probably have valleys that are harder to climb out of though.