Light the Match

There was an exact moment that I woke up and and consciously decided to live.  I don't mean like, "you only live once" kind of thing.  I mean I decided to live. 

I was driving home from a friends house at 5am.  We had talked literally ALL night.  I sat down with her as one person and drove away the next morning as another.  I drove away and on that 15 minute drive I decided to live.  Up until this conversation no one had told me the truth.  No one had told me what I looked like from the outside and you know what scared me the most?  I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought I was.  She knew, and if she knew then how many others knew?  So, here I was alone in the car and I had two choices.  Finally I could lay down and let the darkness take over, or I could light the match my friend had given me and start digging. 

It's obvious what I chose to do, I chose to live.  That was 15 years ago and I am still digging and I will be for the rest of my life.  You know what is so beautiful though?  Once I admitted to myself that I was going to have to work at keeping the darkness away it became easier.  Does that make sense?  Once I stopped trying to hide it and stopped fighting so hard to be "normal" I no longer had to carry it alone.  I can retreat when I need to now because there are people around me that allow me to do that.  Sharing the burden of depression, (or really anything) is key to surviving.