My Eyes Are Dead

One of the worst things about depression is how it absorbs you. It sucks up everything and hides it where you can't find it or feel it. I really hate looking at baby pictures of my kids and watching old movies from before I was treated for my illness. My eyes are dead in the videos. This is what my kids experienced as "normal" for a good part of their early lives. I sang songs with them and talked to them with what I thought was enthusiasm and excitement but in the videos it comes across very different. There is a smile on my face but there is no feeling behind my eyes. This is the aspect of my experience with depression that pains me the most.

So many times when I should have been full of joy I felt nothing. So many times when I should have been full of sorrow I felt nothing. You might think not being able to feel sadness is a good thing but it is not. People that I loved died and I felt nothing. I remember sitting at a memorial and looking around thinking that I should be sad but all I wanted to do was go home and I hated myself for that. I hate that my kids think that "moms need a lot of sleep". Years ago I found a list that my son had made in his little journal. It had each family member listed and next to my name it said "sleepy".

I have been robbed by my illness and I am heartbroken tonight because of it.