Monday, August 3, 2015

My Eyes Are Dead

One of the worst things about depression is how it absorbs you. It sucks up everything and hides it where you can't find it or feel it. I really hate looking at baby pictures of my kids and watching old movies from before I was treated for my illness. My eyes are dead in the videos. This is what my kids experienced as "normal" for a good part of their early lives. I sang songs with them and talked to them with what I thought was enthusiasm and excitement but in the videos it comes across very different. There is a smile on my face but there is no feeling behind my eyes. This is the aspect of my experience with depression that pains me the most.

So many times when I should have been full of joy I felt nothing. So many times when I should have been full of sorrow I felt nothing. You might think not being able to feel sadness is a good thing but it is not. People that I loved died and I felt nothing. I remember sitting at a memorial and looking around thinking that I should be sad but all I wanted to do was go home and I hated myself for that. I hate that my kids think that "moms need a lot of sleep". Years ago I found a list that my son had made in his little journal. It had each family member listed and next to my name it said "sleepy".

I have been robbed by my illness and I am heartbroken tonight because of it.