Sometimes I hate myself so much it is totally consuming. I hate the kind of wife I am, the kind of mother I am, the kind of friend I am. I could keep listing but you get the point. The sadness I feel seems to come from some outside source and I feel like I need to be comforted and the person that wronged me needs to pay. Then, I remember that it's me that has done this to myself and that is where the self-loathing comes from.
I have so much I want to be and do. I see a path that I am supposed to follow that will lead me to these great things. I wake up most mornings with a great plan in my head. I want to finally get caught up on laundry, finally get that mudroom done, paint the chairs I got for the dining room. I want to fix nutritious meals for my children. Play, color and read with Lucy. Go for a walk with my dogs. Clean the garage, clean my car. I am excited to choose from all of these wonderful things. Then it happens. I can't even describe it. It's is like when a water balloon gets a pin hole in it and slowly but forcefully all the water leaks out.
Fixing a snack for Lucy feels like the equivalent of the effort it would take to run a marathon. I want to sleep and I hate myself for wanting to sleep. It doesn't make me feel better it just makes me not feel. As long as I am awake I am aware of all the things that I am not doing. The little things and the big things. The little things I already spoke about, the big things bring me too much sorrow and self-loathing to even talk about in detail. I know I was not meant to be this person. The person I was meant to be is encrusted in layers of depression and hatred.
The depression is not me but it has me under it's control. I can't win because every time I break through it becomes stronger. You're not the only one who thinks I should stop feeling sorry for myself, I think it too. (Enter more self-loathing.)
I want to shout out to everyone who will listen (and even louder to those who won't) that I am ill. This is a sickness. A real, I have no control over it, sickness. Then I wonder if I'm just a lazy, fat girl who could control it if I really wanted to.
Dawn, you probably have no idea how much I relate to everything you said here. I have struggled with clinical depression since my first year of college, and probably before, that's just when it finally got diagnosed. And I recently started taking medication for it again after a long time without. Even with medication, every day is a challenge. Your example about fixing a snack feeling like a marathon is so true! I look forward to reading your posts. Hopefully knowing that others struggle and feel the same as you will help you know that you aren't alone! Love you!
ReplyDeleteDawn thank you for your openess and willingness to talk about something so personal, something people would rather ignore. I am so glad you are writing about this.
ReplyDeleteI remember having post-partum depression after Enzo was born. It was like I was having an outer body experience. I knew that I wasn't as awful as I felt but the feelings were so real, more real than anything I had ever felt. It was terryfing.
I hope you have a good weekend.
I forget your struggle with this sometimes, I believe it's because I have known you though all stages of your life so I tend focus on all your beauty and not your struggles. You choosing to talk about your depression by sharing it shows your strength and awareness. I look forward to reading more. I love you!
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